I recently wrote about a male mutual friend of me and my ex-husband “confessing” to me that from what he says my ex-husband never was faithful to me the entire time of our relationship. I’ve been divorced longer than I was married, and have long made peace with the end of the relationship itself. However, in as much as we fought like demons toward the end and we simply HAD to divorce for the sake of both our sanities the idea that he had never been faithful to me from the moment we met shook me to my core in a way that was unexpected.
For the first time in a very long time, I mourned that relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t love him and we have both very much moved on from the start of our romance more than 20 years ago. I was a child, really. However, even as bad as things got, I honestly believed that he loved me.
This “friend” has confessed his own love for me, however with this revelation out of the blue he said, “I HAD to finally tell you. You HAD to know.”
No. No, I didn’t have to know. I needed to know 20 years ago when despite what he says if this is true an opportunity could have been found to tell me- if you really love someone. That’s not what he chose to do. Instead, he chose to sit on it for 20 years, and spring it on me out of the blue, My marriage was bad, but it wasn’t ALWAYS bad. My ex-husband and I had our loving moments. We had our fun moments. We had a few good memories. I was at peace with the fact the marriage just fell apart due to incompatibility and age difference. I didn’t NEED to know, 20 years later, that it may have all been complete and utter bullshit.
This friend took from me the good memories I had, and there were so so very few to remember by now. It’s been so long. My memory is not the greatest. However, I remember some fun times with my ex-husband and I felt he loved me. So how fucking dare you take that from me. There was no need. There was no just cause. It was a selfish move to garner favor with me. Instead, it’s made me question everything I thought I knew about my marriage and my family.
I called my ex last night and asked to speak with him privately. I told him I didn’t want to fight, but I wanted to know if he ever did love me. He assured me he did and was in love with me when we were married. Even if it’s a lie, let me have it. It doesn’t hurt anyone for me to think that for a period of my life I was loved by someone.
My ex-husband called me again this morning and assured me I had been loved.
I don’t know what to believe honestly, but at this point does it matter if its true or not? If it’s untrue then let it be untrue. I don’t NEED to know.
Just let me believe. The truth at this point only has sharp edges.