Lately, I’ve been consumed with the question, “Now what?”
I have been told over and over not to worry and to have patience. That everything is unfolding as it should be. But to be honest, it feels like a total shit show.
But, isn’t change always a shit show? We get used to how things are. Maybe we cling a little too hard because we don’t know what happens next if we let go of what we have now.
I have lost many things in my life. Many important and beautiful things. Things that made me a better person. Things that taught me lessons that I can now impart to others. I think that’s the beauty of it. Everyone we meet teaches us something or walks with us a ways on our journey, and some stay and some leave because their time in your story is over.
I’ve had a dear friend now for about 4 years. I love her very much I do, but alcoholism and an unwillingness to make changes for the better have unfortunately ended a once beautiful and fulfilling friendship. We all make our own choices and unfortunately, the choices she has made for herself do not align with my values or the goals I wish to reach in my life.
She always told me you become the 5 people you are most close to or spend the most qualitative time with them. I’ve lived with so much chaos, and drama, and regrets that I see no reason to continue on that path. It’s a choice I have made. It’s one I wish she could come along for the ride with me. She has her faults but she was always a lot of fun.
We spoke for the first time in about 2 months since the fiasco of my 40th birthday. She still doesn’t get it, and I forgive her for that. She’s angrier I called her an alcoholic and said she needed AA. She does, and she does because I love her and want the best life for her. She was angrier that I stood up for myself and spoke my truth. She can do better and deserves better. However, you cannot expect from people what they do not have to give even to themselves. A true friend would have been there like I always was for her. A true friend would listen and talk it out. A true friend would not abandon. Still, I will always treasure her and the fun times we shared, but that chapter is over, and a new chapter begins.
I want to be clear and present for all of it.
Now what? I’m thinking anything I want.