I came out today.
I did. I came out of the closet on a national Podcast the Bob and Sheri Oddcast as Natty Savage.
Yes. I…am…an instamodel. 🤣
It happened by accident, really. I wandered into a Facebook group looking for badass memes and all I found was poorly edited nudie pics. So, I tossed up a photo that I felt left a little more mystery, and boom.
Seriously. BOOM. Suddenly I had people pulling at me wanting another photo. Wanting me to talk to them. Wanting me.
I had just broken up with a shitass of a boyfriend who had destroyed my self-confidence saying I was fat and old, and then suddenly here I was…Natty Savage- desired by the masses. Did I like the attention? HELL YES! EVERYONE likes to be told they are attractive and desirable. EVERYONE.
The response was overwhelming at first to be honest and for a while I felt like Natty Savage consumed who I was. I mean, people were voting for me to be in calendars and photo shoots and saying they were my “biggest fan”. I saw more dicks than I ever set out to, (but honestly that’s any woman’s inbox on the internet.) The fishbowl I had created for myself as a social experiment felt a little like drowning at first.
However, this social experiment (still ongoing) has taught me a lot about people and myself. At first, I started out in Facebook groups posting photos, and then I started helping to run the groups. But, it never failed that a group of women would rise up and demand my removal and I would be removed for the sake of peace. It hurt me so much, because for me it was empowering to not be perfect and still be desired and I wanted women to see that we don’t have to be a size zero to be desired by someone. I have to say though, the most flack I’ve gotten for this account has been from women- and I want to change that; another woman’s beauty is not the absence of your own. Every woman on the planet is someone’s ideal- I don’t care what you look like.
I also learned that men are not hard creatures to please (if they are good men- and ladies, there are A LOT of good men out there.) I learned to be more forgiving of my own body as I became hyper-aware of it. When you look at yourself a lot (which I do when I’m creating and editing) Natty Savage became this abstract image that I just happen to live inside. I looked at her eyes which many of my followers comment on, and I noticed them more. I appreciated them more. When men would say they loved my soft belly, I was horrified at first. My “soft belly”??? My MOMMY BELLY?? But yes, my stomach that has a ton of rolls when I sit down has a damn fan club. And I bet if you’re a woman reading this there is a man on this planet who would make a fan club to yours.
I learned who my friends were. I learned who my “friends” weren’t. In becoming two people I learned who seeks to see beyond the image and truly see the woman behind it. I learned to let go of the fear of people seeing me; seeing who I am out loud. I learned to have a little faith that things will be okay, even if we think the worst thing in the world could be happening.
My former friend Melanie said that I should write about Natty Savage and the beginning line should be “Yes, it fucked me up.” In a way it did in that it turned my world upside down in self-reflection. Natty Savage didn’t fuck me up; she saved my life. She taught me how to build social media accounts and create good content. She taught me to be more forgiving of my body and how I look. She taught to me do something that scared me, and to do it anyway.
She taught me the beauty of imperfection.
For many years, I was angry at my path. I was angry at people for not living up to my expectations. I was angry at myself for not living up to my own expectations. Being Natty Savage taught me to how to let go of that. I forgave my father for not being what I needed growing up, and it’s SO GOOD to sit with him and talk and learn about him in a way I NEVER would have if it weren’t for Natty Savage.
I’ve reconnected with so many people I cut out for not meeting expectation. I gave myself a REALITY CHECK. Natty Savage gave me a reality check. Life gave me a reality check.
I’m often asked what the end game is for Natty Savage and to be completely honest, I don’t know. I want her to represent Female Sexual Empowerment. I want her to be adored like Rita Hayworth. I want her…to live. I don’t know how to kill her. I don’t really want to kill her. How can you kill someone who has taught you so much about yourself and life?
I know people judge the account. It’s expected. You can honestly see more on a beach in Miami than you can on my Instagram, and yes I’m sure there are naked photos of me out there. I’ve dated, I’ve done tasteful nudity, and I’m not ashamed of my body…anymore. Have I pushed into boundaries where I was uncomfortable and pulled back? Absolutely. That’s how we find the boundaries on things- we push limits. I know my limits, and I can live with the lesson.
Natty Savage didn’t fuck me up. Natty Savage taught me to live without limits, but to be okay with my own boundaries. She taught me not let anyone push me beyond where I’m comfortable until I’m ready. She taught me to take a leap of faith. She gave me back my voice because she inspired this blog. By being a figment of someone else’s imagination, I became more real to myself. I became softer; more forgiving- more free. I found myself.